


I Was Only Ever Kissed

by 2_many_fandoms_2_little_time



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon, Alternate Universe - High School, Angst, Bittersweet, Gay, Internalized Homophobia, M/M, Marauders, Marauders' Era, One Shot, Two decades later, With possible two shot, wolfstar
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-06-16
Updated: 2018-06-16
Packaged: 2019-05-23 22:29:15
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 828
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14942550
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/2_many_fandoms_2_little_time/pseuds/2_many_fandoms_2_little_time
Summary: Sirius has hardcore internalized homophobia issues and continually denied his feelings for Remus while also not being able to stop expressing them in bursts of passion when he figured out Remus liked him. Remus took whatever he could get. Roughly two decades later, Remus reflects on their relationship.





	I Was Only Ever Kissed

Sirius only ever kissed me when he couldn’t take it anymore, when his emotions and need bypassed the voice in his head that said that this was wrong. It never lasted long, maybe 10 minutes, an hour, two hours, but I lived for those moments. They were the moments I felt truly alive.  
I still remember the first time he kissed me. It was early on in our fifth year, the sexual tension built up between us to the point that one day he picked me up and set me on his bed before starting to kiss me senseless. This had been a long time in the making. It had taken Sirius all of two months last year to figure out I liked him and I hadn’t thought he reciprocate my feelings until we got back from summer break and he made eye contact with me that was so intense I thought I’d been hit by a bolt of lightning. Two weeks later and we were up in our dormitory, making out and breathless.

The worst part about these encounters was the aftermath. Sirius would suddenly get up and leave and then would ignore me until he thought he’d gotten his gay under sufficient control. Then he’d be back to his laughing, joking self around me. James and Peter noticed the rifts we had, I know they did, but they never were quite sure what to do about them as they came and went so quick.

The worst divide between Sirius and I happened after we had sex. I still feel guilty about it. I should have known that this wasn’t the magic fix and that it would leave Sirius with so many complicated feelings that would make him feel so much worse. The fact was, he had been the one to ask me if what we were doing was okay and my question was answered with a nod and a kiss which led to more intimate things. For an hour, I thought that his lack of hesitation, his seeming acceptance, meant that everything would be fine between us and that we could finally have something like a real relationship. Of course, I was wrong. Sirius avoided me for three days after we had sex and it was the last thing we did together before we left Hogwarts. There were other kisses afterwards, yes, but they were never the same. Distance and time changed us.

It was eighteen years later and we were kissing in the hallway of Number 12, Grimmauld Place. I wondered if Sirius had made his move right in front of his mother’s portrait on purpose, just to spite her in case she came out. She didn’t. Sirius’ lips felt strange, different. I’m sure mine did, too. We had been separated by almost two decades and things had to change. I wanted to rekindle what we’d had before we’d graduated and I’m sure Sirius had wanted to resume the spontaneous making out. After a short while, Sirius pulled away, smiling wistfully. I felt it, too. What we’d had wasn’t there anymore. It was a flame that had gone out but we were both chasing anyway. It had been eighteen years since we had laid hands on each other and now it all felt like a dream. A good dream, but one that could never again be real. 

“Ah, I miss the good old days,” Sirius said, a nostalgic look in his eyes, one of his hands placed against the wall near my head. “It’s good to see you, Remus,” he said and walked off.

The days were gone when we had been two young boys with something in their hearts for each other. It had been a flame, which not properly kindled, had gone out. We both wished it hadn’t, but it had. 

Sirius died later that year. The next year I married Tonks. She was as in love with me as I had been with Sirius. We would never had what Sirius and I had had but I hope I kept up my end and made her happy. She did not make me sad. 

Sometimes, as the second war draws closer, I lie in bed thinking of Sirius. I think of our days at Hogwarts, full of sunshine and youth, hidden kisses and laughter, and I miss those days sorely. I wish that I could go back to fifteen or sixteen or seventeen or eighteen year old Sirius and tell him that he isn’t a monster, that what he feels is okay. If I did, maybe it would be Sirius lying next to me in bed instead of Tonks. The time-turners remain in stasis, unreachable by anyone, and I’ll never know. My only solace is to dream and remember our laughter and the things we shared in our dormitory in Gryffindor Tower. I loved Sirius Black and he loved me, but I was only ever kissed when he couldn’t bear not to show it.


End file.
